I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
