you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
