I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
