i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
