Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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