So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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