hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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