life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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