Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
