i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
