NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
