Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
