he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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