My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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