Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
My dad is sitting where you rode me
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
