Umm I'm too high to move.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
