I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
