Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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