i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
