my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I intend to get homeless drunk
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
