Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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