I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
