She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
even my farts smell like vagina
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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