i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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