yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
they need to just BURY HIM!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
