every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
