come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
