I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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