She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
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