Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
