Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I love you.
Bad choice
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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