dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Randomize
