If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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