Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
