I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
