He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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