I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
