my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My vagina is officially offended.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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