Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
