i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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