Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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