spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
