Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
