Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
