There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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