Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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