operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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