If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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