I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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