I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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